Monday, December 19, 2005
reflection
hey guys :) i'm sorry i din blog e entire last wk or e wk before.. caught up with alot of things la :P e wk i came back was fine, but e wk tt just passed, was quite bad coz i received some news on tues tt caused me to feel kinda shattered. tightlipped abt it so don ask me wat is it okay? haha don worry i'm okay, really :) it's just the initial shock.. yupp ;)
hmmm but well later i'm gg for my church youth camp.. gg to be real fun :) but before i leave for 4 days i wanna say smth.. ppl pls and do tag okay?
scenario: A does things tt causes B to get angry, and B starts yelling and being sarcastic towards C.
i'm C.
and i just dont want to argue with B.
but it hurts, like hey i didnt do anyth, and you start screaming at my 'faults'. and the person who brought the storm escaped unscathed. treated nicely still by B.
is this fair?
i don't want to turn this into a place i b*tch abt ppl, but imagine out of the blue being called a mu tou, wooden block, useless fellow.
i have to bite my lip. even if it bleeds. how else do i stop myself from bursting upon hearing a praise or polite word thrown to A?
i know. i'm not smart. i dont dance well, i aint the best pianist, my mass isnt ideal, my grades are rotten, i'm proud, i'm arrogant, i'm unteachable, i'm totally selfish, i'm hardhearted, i'm cold, i'm boring, i'm dumb, i'm gullible.
I KNOW.
so that just explains why the world is just against me.
Honestly, during e Korea trip (i miss Korea), there were those free calls you can make. i wanted to try, but.. to who?
i dont mean to offend anyone, i do have very close friends (thanks dears), but why do i have this feeling that no one cares if i'm ard or not? y is it that wherever i am, ppl give me the impression my feelings dont matter? do i really have such a huge character flaw that i do not know of? can someone pls tell me?
it's not that i want attention, or that i want ppl to regard me highly. but do you know that it hurts that when you treat ppl the best you can, trying to be concerned for them, and yet ppl ignore you and focus on the "more interesting and entertaining" ppl?
y do ppl love to fan bai yan on me? i'm just trying to help, to be a good friend, y do ppl treat me this way?
mentioned before, it may sound silly and 'primary sch'-ish, but it's e same question: why do they not like me? honestly it is a gd question to reflect on personal behaviour.
ppl may thank you in their notes for being such a great friend, always there to help (i.e. gullible), yet, treat you like you dont exist or you dont matter.
age old question: why do ppl prefer ppl who are known to be humourous and interesting to ppl who are quiet yet soft hearted?
some tell me it's coz ppl take advantage of my soft-heartedness, that 'aiya she wont mind de la'. but i dont think that's it. there's smth that causes ppl to repel from me. and i donno wat.
it's like ppl acknowledge your soft heartedness, but they dont enjoy your company. they wont want to be with you. some even give the 'i dont really like you' look. there isnt sufficient 'pull-factor'.
which made me think. i know as a christian i ought to be someone whom ppl like to be with. does that mean i dont radiate His love enough, or am not like Him enough?
i want to know wat i'm lacking (pull), and what i have in excess (push).
this is part of self reflection i guess. not so much abt 'everyone must love me'.
i want to improve. please help. please send me an email if u think it's not nice to air my faults on tagboard. thanks. i really appreciate it. take care guys :)
xiao jo
@ 7:36 AM
____________*____________
tag;
blog;
links;
me;